I have a colourful history of relationships, as I'm sure most of us do. I've had the high school boyfriend who was the first to teach me about love and commitment, the uni boyfriend who was my first real love, the friend with benefits, the project, the one who was almost the one, and the one who I met minutes before we said our wedding vows. All of these evolved from a place of nowhere to a place of somewhere, all at varying speeds and intensity. But at what point did any of these become 'something'?
I've recently started seeing someone. He's great, we have a lot of fun together, we message every day, we see each other a couple of times a week. He's even made plans to take me for a birthday surprise in a couple of weeks. We haven't had 'that' conversation yet though, and I'm very wary of committing again after my last relationship failed so publicly and I spent 2 months bawling my eyes out spontaneously in public. Something strange happened this week though...
Since MAFS finished airing I've been persistently contacted by one person under various guises on twitter, catfish style, and on his most recent attempt we (my MAFS wives and I) decided to agree to offer to take him up on his offer of a date to catch him out. But even arranging a fake date made me feel like I was doing something wrong against the new guy I've been seeing. As soon as I typed the words agreeing to meet for a drink, I felt like I was being unfaithful and it made me quite uncomfortable. It was this moment that made me realise I was in a relationship, and it was this moment that freaked me out.
Since Ad and I broke up, I felt that I needed time to work on myself and make sure I was in a really great place before I took on anyone else in my life. I also wanted everything to die down after the show aired, it didn't seem fair to bring anyone else into the circus we've been a part of for the past 7 months.
Keeping of all of the above in mind still, I wanted to gradually get back out there, date some men I wouldn't usually have dated and ease myself back into it, totally ready for when Mr Right came along. But there's so much of this we can't control ourselves. What if Mr Right comes along before we're ready? Now I'm not saying that this guy is Mr Right, it's only been a few weeks, but it seems more than just a fling. We talk about future plans beyond the next week or so and we have a really great time together. It's effortless but really good fun and he ticks a lot of boxes.
So I've had to let my guard down a little bit and accept that this might be something, and be open to that. The thought of getting involved with someone that could lead to hurt again is terrifying but I have to take that risk if I want to find someone that makes me happy.
Am I in a relationship? Yes. I think I am. Am I ready to call him my boyfriend yet? Absolutely not! I do know that I don't want to be with anyone else at the moment though and that's probably what defines it for me. I'm willing to take a bit of a risk and see where this goes, because I get to spend my time with a man who makes me coffee and breakfast in the morning, tells me how attractive I am to him, plans a special birthday trip after knowing me for little more than a week, teaches me about the world around me and makes me excited to see him and spend time with him.
It may well be a relationship but maybe it's not that scary after all.